It is really awesome when coworkers encourage you not to end your life because of stress.  It is good to know I would be missed.  Coworkers 1, Debilitating Stress 0.


I am feeling more than a little bit lost… A week and a half ago I came back from a work trip that was heinous.  I had to work 5 12-hour night shifts, 7p to 7a, which consisted of numbing boredom punctuated by serious demoralization.  I only have to do a trip like that every few years – but it does really, truly suck.  And I don’t bounce back.

And I know it was temporary, and I know I need to get over it… but I haven’t been able to get my life back.  I ate badly, didn’t exercise, kept the schedule of a vampire.  I feel behind at work and at my personal life.  And now I feel beaten by life.

I am not good at my job and am facing two months of being really bad at it… I am not ready to face keeping up with school again.  And my sluggish feeling no longer can be attributed to a week of funny sleep schedule.

I am officially down.  Not out, just down.  But I can’t find whatever groove I had.  All I can do is watch West Wing reruns and tell myself that it is ok to go one day without showering.

I have to do better at my job, my marriage, my life.  Posting on this thing is my first shot in the battle.  I didn’t know where else to start.  Next is laundry.  Then a shower.  Then putting my shoulders back and facing my work e-mail.  But first, just one more episode of The West Wing.

Unwashed and Failing!

I have had a conference call at 7am everyday for the past 50+ days.  Surely, G, you are exaggerating.  On Saturday and Sunday?  Yes!  On Labor Day?  Yes!  Every SINGLE day??  Not quite… I have missed about 10.  Now, 3 of those were because there was a different call I had to be on at 7am… and the other few were because there was something else I had to do that morning.   But I am so used to those calls, I don’t know what I am going to do when they end.  Not that they will ever end, probably.

And then on top of the conference calls, I have had to work a lot. Including nights and weekends and well past the point that I want to crawl into a corner and cry because I miss my life, my husband, seeing the sun, being outside.

Many people read that and think I am weak for having to work so much.  But I challenge anybody in my shoes to not have to work as much in the situation I am in.  I don’t know how to work less and hit the goals that need to be hit.  And I keep thinking the deadline, the end, the party of freedom is just right around the corner.  The corner just keeps getting bigger and rounder… take today, for instance…

Today I thought I would have the conference call and then nothing else to do for the rest of the day… very much looking forward to a Sunday with nothing to do…  hung up on the call without anything to do.  Went downstairs to chat with my husband about making pancakes and sitting on the porch and going for a walk and enjoying the world.  I went upstairs to shut down and got a ping that I had to do X.  Grrrr.  Started investigating how to do X.  Made arrangements for when that work needed to be done and shut down the computer.

Enjoyed several hours of making jewelry.  I have plans to do other things during any time off, but it always comes back to sitting at my table, beading and wiring and two-part resining.  And the hours slip by.  The thing about me making jewelry is it takes a lot of iterations and mess to end up with one piece.

So I sat for hours, in my jammies, and came up with some lovely things that I will post pictures of… but before I get there, I have a pile of stuff that didn’t work.  Included in this pile is a drop I took a lot of time to create that has a curlicue and a hammered end so the crystal bead doesn’t fall off.

Pile o'Failure

I was very pleased with it and was going to incorporate into an earring… and then I realized I didn’t have another of the same bead for the other earring.  Grr.  So it went into my big container of stuff to be recycled into other projects.  Broken necklaces, stuff my father-in-law has scored for me that can be deconstructed to make other stuff, and all my failures that still have worthwhile materials to use.  I tell myself that I am going to start working through this pile as soon as the container can’t hold anymore… but the problem is stuff can be squished down to always fit more.  And now I am thinking about getting a bigger container.

Uh, so that's too much

The problem is that making something I never made before is always more fun than deconstructing something that I spent a lot of time on that didn’t work.

So, back to that big, round corner.  I logged on a bit ago to find out more about the task X I needed to complete only to discover that I didn’t need to do it!  YAY!  Then I read the next e-mail which was another task I needed to do that is even bigger than the task I just got out of.  BOOO!  So I am dispatching this blog… fighting back the tears with the realization that I have to work yet again… hopefully I will be back tonight with more.

Fauxffices are for winners!

We moved cubicles at work last week – and by some weird happenstance I got put into a “big” cubicle. Someone deemed these “fauxffices” because they are a little, well, pretentious in a needy way. They have tiny absurd tables that I am calling my “fauxference table”.

But like any good fauxficce there are lots of faux crystal “achievement” awards.

What isn’t something to laugh at are my awesome windows where I can watch the cars on 435 fly by. It is so nice to have light and to be able to see the sky. It is only my second window cubicle in 12 years – and I hit the jackpot.


I have been buried in work this week leading to a complete lack of postings. I really have missed blogging to the void, but there has been no time. (Along with no time for anything I like – exercise, crafting, not working.) In lieu of a proper blog entry, I am providing you with my to-do list from work this week. Read it and be glad you are not me.

(list 36) My work to-do list for the week of May 19, 2008

  1. Reqpro list to Scott.
  2. ID report for comparison.
  3. Design review meeting logged
  4. Requirements review meeting logged
  5. Test cases for web site
  6. Check in design
  7. Check in requirements
  8. Reg updates in xml
  9. Test cases for content changes
  10. Prioritization updates in xml
  11. Board updates in xml
  12. Send e-mails to stakeholders
  13. Review meeting tool guideline changes and sent for review
  14. Soc training updated and scheduled
  15. Requirements updated
  16. Design created
  17. Test case for web site changes review meeting
  18. Test case tracing
  19. Test case for content changes review meeting
  20. Design for note about doc control
  21. Xml changes for doc control note

Phew! I am ready for a three-day weekend.