Someone I love very much has breast cancer, and the thought is so debilitating to me, that I have a hard time focusing. Getting through work without crumpling into a ball on the floor and crying while rocking myself has taken about all of the emotional energy that I have had the last few weeks. And writing on this blog, although something I love to do, seemed like an indulgence I couldn’t allow myself. As my mom aptly said the other day during one of her much appreciated calls to check in on me “It is like nothing else matters… like nothing ever mattered.” Until this whole cancer crap is fixed, I feel like I need to hold my breath.
But I started to breathe this week. And writing on this blog is one of my favorite things to do… and so I am back, with a disclaimer.
I hold back what I write because of the audience on this blog. I am sure most of the audience is imagined, but I think it includes my parents, some coworkers who are also friends, some friends who have different politics than me, some people who think oversharing is overcreepy.
Which leads us to the disclaimer… please discontinue your reading of this blog if:
1. Reading my personal revelations will affect the respect you have for me at work. I have worked at the same place for 13+ years – my friends and my work merge… show me a person for whom that hasn’t happened and I will be impressed and assume they are a robot, but that is not me. One year I made an actual resolution to make a new friend who didn’t work where I did (Hi, Lisa!!) … that is how hard it is for me.
2. You will be compelled to bring up personal things about my life at work around people who are not my friends… i.e. “Can you show us your presentation, G? Oh, and later you will have to tell me about that pap smear… that sounded like a funny story.”
3. You will not like me if you have different political views than I do. This does not apply if you are a liberal – you will probably be cool with the shiznit I opine.
4. You don’t like fat people. You know who you are – but thanks for faking it to my face – I totally couldn’t tell!
5. You can’t separate our interactions from what I write here… this is hard to explain- but lemme try. I excel at being a chameleon. To keep peace, I will be whoever I think someone needs me to be, even if it isn’t true to myself. I am uncompromising on the big stuff, but not much constitutes big stuff for me. It is humiliating to admit that my personality is so much ether that can blow one way or the other, but it is – and in many ways that has served me well in life. Being able to get along isn’t the worst character trait ever. But on this blog I am going to further cut my teeth on being the real me – with my real opinions. I share real opinions on this blog – but I tend to apply a thick coating of peppermint and chocolate. And if that sounds totally unfun and could jeapordize the relationship we have, then please don’t read. At this point in my life I don’t want to be losing friends.
6. You can’t abide curse words.
So for the three of you that are left, welcome! Even if I am writing just to myself… I am excited!