On Being Fat…

I am in therapy for being fat.  Truly.  My excess weight, my failure to lose excess weight, my sometimes debilitating obsession with my excess weight got to a point where I was at a loss as to what to do next.

I now see this amazing woman who talks to me about things.  She is very reasonable, very kind, very funny, and very encouraging.  Despite the fact that I cry a lot during the sessions.  And I am *not* cute when I cry.  I went to her because I wanted to lose weight and I saw this as my only hope, but then so much more has happened.

First, I haven’t lost any weight.  I am not actually completely sure about that because I don’t weigh myself anymore.  I don’t count calories.  I don’t write down what I eat.  So completely weird.  And scary. And liberating.

Second, I have learned a lot.  People who are bullied to lose weight generally don’t.  People who are made to feel badly about their weight generally don’t lose weight.  Calorie restriction, limiting foods, and all other types of dieting generally don’t work for people.  They work for some people.  People I am insanely jealous of.  But they don’t work for most people.  Just ask the multi-bazillion dollar diet industry.

At our last session, she asked me a simple question that brought me to tears.  What if you never lost weight? 

Almost my whole life has been about being in the process of trying to lose weight or planning to try to lose weight.  Lots of my life has changed, but that has never ever changed.  Hating the way I look and changing it have been my constant companion.

That is very sad.  And absurd.  And that is why I cried.  And also because that most likely will be the case, if past performance is an indicator.  And I can’t live my life the way I want if I am fat.

I won’t find love.
I won’t be successful.
I won’t have friends.
I won’t be cool.
I won’t be worthy.
I won’t be healthy.
So my pretty therapist friend let me know that was BS, in her nice way.  I have love. I am successful enough.  I have friends.  I am not cool, but losing weight won’t change that.  Most importantly, I am worthy.

Which leaves health.  And so I am going to be healthy.  Exercise enough.  Get enough water and fruits and vegetables. Because another thing I have learned is that thin doesn’t mean healthy and fat doesn’t mean unhealthy.  I can work for health and still love myself and be fat.  Yes, yes I can.

Which leaves really stupid things, like not having a lot of options in clothing and *other* people thinking I am not worthy because I am fat.

I don’t really have enough money or interest to be a clothes horse.  And F people who judge me because I am fat.  Seriously.

So I decided to just start liking myself. 

This is of course harder said than done – talk of weight loss permeates lots of my life.  And I encourage others to go where their path is taking them – which may be weight loss.  But my path is taking me to work for health and to everyday like myself as much as I possibly can.  And if anybody asks me what I am doing to lose weight or if I think I should lose weight, I am going to tell them that on August 10, 2011 I decided to like myself just the way I am and stop trying to lose weight.

At age 37 I am going to start living and loving my life, not failing at losing weight.

Woot.

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6 thoughts on “On Being Fat…

  1. From your mom … who knows you are worthy and knows how beauiful you are and knows how much you have struggled with this … WOOT! I am so proud of you!

  2. I held my breathe through this whole post. I was waiting for you to be a little unkind to yourself, through humor of course so most of us would think you’re just kidding, but unkind none the less. And it didn’t happen. And it’s so great to hear your “voice” where you are now. And not that you need this from me but I am so excited for you. Believe it or not there are some of us (me) out there that think you’re pretty cool. And funny. And we like to hang out with you. And if asked to describe you, “fat” would not be one of them. Honestly I think I’ve used “Creative, Hippy, Vegan” a couple of times. Dosen’t get any cooler than that, right? Hang in there! Miss you! How annoying are these exclamation marks! !!

  3. I could say a lot on this topic (surprise!) but won’t. I’m simply going to say that I am shocked to find out that you, G!, are NOT cool. Really? I must reevaluate what cool is then. But first I’m going to celebrate August 10th, Liberation Day.

    (And on a serious note, if folks judge you now because you are fluffy, they would also find reason to judge you if you were rail thin. And all of the clothing choices available in those *other sizes* are overwhelming. It was simpler being fluffy. I miss simple.)

  4. This is *so* perfectly healthy of you, G, and you would be surprised at the number of people (read: women) who need this lesson. I too am so proud of you! You sound, and I am sure you will be, so much happier with this new attitude! Also, you could replace “fat” with a lot of other adjectives and teach this lesson to probably 90% of the world–accept who you are, love who you are, and work on being healthy. (I need this lesson too, and you are ahead of me in learning it.) You go!

  5. All I have to say is….I love this post. You are so on track with this new way of thinking, it’s incredible. And, even though I’m a trainer and people may think trainers look at others as fat or fit…I’ve never thought of you that way. The thoughts that come to my mind when I think of you are: strong, extremely kind-hearted, witty (of course), and contagious (because I think anyone who knows you wants to be around you all the time-I sure do).

  6. Pingback: 2011 Year in Review – The Memories | required writing

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