So this week I am stuck in a “war room” with my coworkers. The few days before Christmas I am trapped in a small, hot room with people I don’t like very much talking about things that aren’t very interesting. I am really not looking forward to this. AT ALL. Especially since we are here to do work because some guy on my team couldn’t get his work done. I get my work done, why do *I* have to be punished for him not doing his work? Hmmmmm… I guess ours is not to ask why… but to smile and comply. And think snarky things.
So I am compiling a list of my darkest thoughts as I sit here. These are for your
amusement, and not for you to judge me. Because unless you have sat in this war room with
these people for 9 hours, you cannot judge me. True Dat.
1. Could you *please* chew your gum even louder? It isn’t drowning out every thought in my head.
2. Calgon, take me away. I’ll give you $10.
3. Super sensitive people are super annoying. Just frickin’ roll with it. We all don’t have
time to protect your feelings.
4. Just because you use a handkerchief to pick your nose doesn’t mean you aren’t picking your nose in front of a dozen people WHILE YOU ARE TALKING TO US!!
5. When you went to Bath and Body Works did you ask for the lotion that smelled like rotting fish with a twist of orange?
6. OH NO! I think it is great that you make us all sit in this room and work with each other while you go off to lunch. No, really that is GREAT!
7. It may look like I am shopping on Etsy. I’m not – it is your imagination.
8. Come on cell phone, ring. Just ring. Please ring. RING!!
9. Your haircut is bad. Please ask your wife to correct it immediately.
10. Just because you preface your sentence with “I’m not racist, but” doesn’t mean you aren’t racist.
11. I know what you mean when you tell me “Your earrings are so… interesting.” At least I have the decency to secretly blog my snarkiness.
12. You don’t get here until 9:15 AM – how does that not allow time for shower and a shave?
13. I don’t need you to speak more slowly, I need you to say smarter things.
14. If you are going to do my job, I can go home, right?
15. I am not going to scream. I am not going to scream. I am not going to scream. I am not going to scream.
16. I miss my vodka.
17. Please, please, please, please buy a bra. And wear it. Please. I’ll give you $10.
18. I wonder if I can fake an injury coming back from the bathroom.
19. I love having the same conversation again because you couldn’t be bothered to sit in this room the first time we had this conversation. Really. It’s great.
20. No, really, talk to me like I am an idiot even though YOU are the one that didn’t get YOUR work done.
21. Quit saying “packages”.
24. So. Near. Tears.
25. How can you still be talking about this?
26. Lunch. Please. Lunch. Please. Lunch. Please. Lunch.